On buti'llrememberthis by Pam Nixon

On But I'll Remember This by Pam Nixon

Svetlana Pitina

Chelyabinsk State University

But I'll Remember This is an excellent description of teenage love, family life, British high school and Oxford university atmosphere in the 50's, a real pleasure to read not only for teachers of English. It is the first novel by Pam Nixon, an Oxford graduate, English literature teacher and my wonderful host during 2010 Oxford Seminar organized by Karen Hewitt. Staying with Pam and Ron Nixon in their cozy flat in a Victorian house in North Oxford, with a large library of carefully chosen books, some of which I managed to gulp during rather short Oxford nights in May, I could not imagine that very soon I would enjoy reading my hostess's novel.

The book is semi-autobiographical, as Nixon writes about it herself:

Back in the late 1950s, when I was a sixth former at Lincoln Girls' high school, my boyfriend from the

boy's grammar school was always talking about his amazing history teacher, Charles Hannam, who was both a socialist and atheist. His accounts of someone so unusual, holding views that were thrillingly outrageous in a provincial cathedral city at the time, made a deep impression on me. Such a lasting impression, in fact, that many years later I wrote a semi-autobiographical novel, But I'll Remember This, I based the hero on him.

[the Guardian 2015]

The novel has a simple plot: starting in December 1997 with the visit to the funeral of the old headmistress, returning to the past of the 1950s and finishing with the 'past unearthed' in 1997-2000. The main events take place in 1955-1956, describing the last school year of Phyllida, the narrator.

Phyllida, Dilly (a peculiar name chosen by her mother from The Golden Book of Modern English Poetry denotes 'falling leaves' in Greek, an unfortunate heroine of Greek mythology, who died from sorrow when her husband did not return to her; the road she walked to the sea is called Nine Ways, the number of parts in the novel is also nine!), is homesick and terrified when she becomes a boarder at the High School. Her mother thinks that the local grammar school is rough and her father does not want her to study in a co-ed school.

The High School rules are rather strict, food is horrible and cold is unbearable in the Boarding House. School life is described with appreciated humour justifying the subtitle of the novel: a comedy.

Tuesday was always shepherd's pie  'Shepherd's pie, how delicious!' she said as, followed by her dog, she squeezed between the table and the bulging dresser The dog raised his nose to sniff the food but lowered it promptly.. I poked shepherd's pie around my plate. I could cope with the watery potato but the stench of the pinkish meat was too much. Could the Head really believe it was delicious? [Nixon 2014: 28].

Shepherd's pie is the worst meal of the week, apart from 'mouse stew', the metaphorical name for the dish in which an actual mouse's head was once found in the helping of a well-brought up child of the vicarage who merely put it to the side of her plate. No wonder girls often buy fish and chips wrapped in newspaper, although it is strictly forbidden and far from middle class behavior. Lady-like manners and tastes are still very important.

School life is rather monotonous and uneventful. Looking out of the window at the Cathedral is one of the girl's favourite occupations. The Cathedral dominates their view and lives. It is a solid background to their 'struggles with irregular French verbs or quadratic equations' [Ibid: 29]. Rarely the boarders may see some of the Grammar School boys. Strict school rules only increase their interest in the opposite sex. The girls give marks out of ten to all the males in their very limited acquaintance. The popular Student Christian Movement is one of the few places where the two grammar schools can mix.

School descriptions leave no illusions to the reader that boarders and teachers are not surrounded by luxury. The ink-stained table, broken down sofa and the lino, small window, girls in blazers for extra warmth are parts of the attic - the Sixth Form study. There are books on every surface and a pile of exercise books on the floor in the housemistress's room, a dog before the empty grate and a dribbling cat on the worn arm of a chair (attributes of an unmarried teacher). Young married women did not often teach at the High School in the 50s. Staff moved, but some teachers seem 'built into the very fabric of the school' [Ibid: 82]. Girls are used to a lot of stability.

A restricted existence and traditional education in the girls' grammar school is opposed to extra education Dilly gets from her new teachers: mysterious and indifferent extra Latin teacher Hugh Marlow, sophisticated bohemian English teacher Mrs Davis and charming history teacher at the boy's grammar school Mike Davis. The three 'new teachers' live in a basement. A crumpled newspaper, a scruffy sofa partly covered by a striped rug, the littered table, posters for exhibitions of contemporary art, swearing neglecting house cores Hugh Marlow, the Socialist-atheist Mike Davis, Mrs Davis cooking with olive oil, mince of 'distinctly better quality than the meat in the Boarding House shepherd's pie' [Nixon, 2014: 61], toasts spread generously with butter are all surprisingly new for Dilly. Olive oil is used for earache in Dilly's house. She thinks of angry letters published in the Yorkshire Post about the growing fashion for foreign holidays and foreign food. Already after the first lesson she is prepared to reconsider many things.

Superior looking Hugh Marlow is a good teacher, leading Dilly stage by stage to see for the first time ever that Latin texts are literature, 'like Milton and Shakespeare, rather than just some tortuous puzzle' (Ibid: 59).

Alithea Davis is also a new type of a challenging teacher. She is young and married, but, more remarkably, she is 'very striking, dark, good-looking, with extraordinary clothes and a tendency to wear dangling, silver earrings' (Nixon, 2014: 45). Besides teaching English she teaches General Studies in which everyone has to participate. Alithea is well read, expresses her views openly, thinks that wider reading is important, gives her class challenging titles like What is Art for?

The books she suggests and lends Dilly to read are not written by the authors in the school programme: D.H. Lawrence, J.P. Sartre, J. Donne, E.Waugh.

At first I was disconcerted - 'sucked', 'snorted', - was this the language of poetry? But love poems seemed to have been written for someone in my emotional state and I soon became obsessed. (Nixon, 2014: 85-86).

Before the acquaintance with the three radicals Dilly read a lot of classic at school and many books from the school library by the authors not many people know about. Through Dilly Nixon shows her excellent knowledge of English and world literature. The book is rich in allusions to literary characters, citations from poetry and prose. In the bohemian atmosphere of the basement Dilly learns how to discuss literature, to compare and critically evaluate what is read. However Dilly's father thinks English literature is a suitable subject for girls to study, as it doesn't sound too intellectually demanding. The highest praise Dilly's mother could give to any work of literature was that it was 'delightful'.

Social status is very important to the boarders, teachers and their parents. A son of a shop owner is no match for Dilly whose Uncle Frank is a farmer. Steve, an Oxford First graduate, Dilly's future husband, is a minor's son and far from the ideal of the best possible son-in-law to Dilly's mother. Dilly is made aware of the gulf between Alithea's background and hers. She wonders if she can ever find any group where she feels fitted in.

The brightest girl at school, Rosa, lives in one of the little redbrick terraces downhill from the Cathedral, while 'all the best people lived Uphill', she has a 'noticeable local accent' (Ibid: 39). Rosa does not pass her interview in Oxford because of her working class background, common accent and cheap clothes.

Prejudices still rule in villages and provincial towns: pubs would not serve Ben and Danny who live together, people refuse to talk to them and they are forced to leave the place. Alithea and Mike's secret marriage with just two witnesses from the street seems equally scandalous. Registry marriage, marriage by special license was rare and not approvingly looked at. Atheists like Mike are rarely found in the place dominated by Cathedral.

Mike's socialist political views startle Dilly. She is listening in a kind of fascinated horror while he attacks the Royal family and criticizes Churchill whom her parents ' regard almost as a demi-god' (Ibid: 80), religion, thinks that cathedrals can be made into museums like they do with churches in the Soviet Union, forgetting how many are destroyed. Dilly loves going to early Evensong, she loves the music, the King James Bible and the Book of Common Prayer: 'It's part of my education I'll always be grateful for' (Ibid: 84).

The family life in the 50s is described with bitter irony by the eighteen year old Dilly and with kind irony by the sixty year old Phyllida in the final chapters of the novel.

Dilly is treated like a child by her father, his views are conservative: teachers should not socialize with their pupils; girls should wear plates and not study in co-ed schools. Mother's attitude to her only daughter is very critical.

I knew my mother thought I was very plain. She was always lamenting over my straight hair and telling me not to read too much because glasses, as she put it, 'would be the last straw'. (Nixon 2014: 62).

Nevertheless she is proud that her daughter will study in Oxford.

Social changes form the dynamic and ironically described background for characters' transformations. The girl reads, learns, falls in love, transforms and grows up very quickly. Dilly is no longer afraid to break school rules and go to the funeral of Rosa's father, a Communist, she is no longer afraid to break home rules and return home after nine, cut her hair, wear what she wants, enter Oxford not Cambridge as the Minister recommends, in the third year at Oxford get engaged to Steve, marry him against her parents wish, give birth to five children and write poetry. There is no easy answer to the question if Dilly is happy with her life, if she is still in love with the charming Socialist-atheist, if past is stronger than present.